


Ephemera

by theprimrosepath



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Caleb Widogast is a Mess, Episode: c02e097 The Fancy and the Fooled, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, POV Caleb Widogast, POV Second Person, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast, this fic is a love letter to jester lavorre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:41:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28067193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprimrosepath/pseuds/theprimrosepath
Summary: Thank whatever spins Exandria about the stars for the strength of your self-loathing. To so firmly kick the wagon of your wayward dreaming back onto the rightful track. Because you are ruined. You are broken and tired and undeserving, and what a horrible mess to burden such a lovely friend and person as Jester Lavorre with any more than you are already guilty of.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	Ephemera

You are so selfish and so, so stupid.

It's easy to look away from Jester when she has more skin bared. In the steaming hot water of their bath in the Xhorhaus, or dressed in one of Beau's brilliant blue sashes around her torso—the purple skin of her clavicle and shoulders glittering in diamond white. Your mind always stutters to a halt on its own at such sights. It buzzes into a whine of self-disgust and the _everything_ you have stuffed away into a deep recess of your heart.

The noise shuts you down. Shuts out any and all errant thoughts or, or _unwise decisions_.

Because how dare you. How dare you— _feel_ , feel _anything_ , desire anything—

(Want to _look_ at Jester, drink your fill of her and drown in her and set the world aside for a _moment_ of comfort and quiet—)

Thank whatever spins Exandria about the stars for the strength of your self-loathing. To so firmly kick the wagon of your wayward dreaming back onto the rightful track. Because you are ruined. You are broken and tired and undeserving, and what a horrible mess to burden such a lovely friend and person as Jester Lavorre with any more than you are already guilty of.

She is vibrant, beautiful. And young, and _so_ clever, and so eager to open her heart to the world and bring _joy_ and _laughter_.

She doesn't know the truth about you.

Thus goes the spiral that saves you from your own foolishness at every time when another person (like Fjord, or Beau—you aren't blind, you _know_ and are grateful for it) might stare and admire.

No, you are at your most foolish when everything is just—

Normal.

Like Jester frolicking into the hall with brand-new attire, dress as flattering as the last and billowing with its wearer's high spirits. Like she knew she looked wonderful and wanted that fact to be known by everyone else. And you indulged her unspoken request, a warm fireplace burning in your chest to watch her pleasure. For far too long.

Or when delight radiates from her as soon as she has a delicious sweet in her hands to savor. It is like every concern in the world falls away with a single cupcake, and she is nothing but happy to get icing on her nose and crumbs all over her skirts. Moreso, _everything_ she loves enraptures her; her force of generosity compels others to share in the joy she finds. No matter how silly, no matter how mundane—she shoves a black-moss cupcake into Fjord's mouth to remind him of the simple pleasure of something tasty.

That is her wisdom. Trivialities become something wonderful in her hands, and she wants nothing but to delight in it and share that appreciation with everyone else. Like it is amazing because it _is_. Like it is amazing because she thinks it is amazing.

It's beautiful, what she does. Turns the world upside-down so a frown becomes a smile.

Like it is that simple. That to love something—all by itself—makes that something worthy of being loved.

(And every time she looks at you with happiness, or humor, or tender compassion as she takes your hands and reassures you that you're not alone—it is a gut punch that leaves you breathless and aching.)

So such things went as well when the shadow of the Kryn traitor darkened everyone's eyes. That familiar visage of broad mantle and robe hems brushing well above the ground is what lingered in your thoughts when you decided to search for a scroll of something useful. Something protective should a knife—or rather dunamancy—come swooping for their backs.

(You marveled over a description of this spell many years ago, shoved the text into Eadwulf's and Astrid's faces and the three of you dreamed together. Until a path greater than study was laid before you.)

When you all went to Yussa's tower to inquire after the spell, Jester's voice rang merrily of lighthearted and unimportant things.

And there must have been something about the shadow hung over you that she fixed her bright attention on you in particular. You replied as a friend of course—but turned your gaze aside as if she was the sun and praying the heat did not turn your face red.

As quick as she is to detect distress, perhaps she remembered the admission you let slip. _I feel like a fool._

It was that which left you no reservations when you gave her five platinum pieces.

Fjord and Beau muttered a little nervously at the lack of hesitation. But Jester at her best does not prank for anything less than joy. Embarrassment for embarrassment's sake is no fun when the victim doesn't deserve it; or need it for humility's sake. She would commission the best outfits she could, you knew—that was what would bring smiles to your faces and thus bring a smile to hers. Caduceus would be a trustworthy insurance plan.

Maybe, though... maybe you underestimated the beauty she could dream up in Nicodranas's fashion district.

You say a polite thanks, of course, when she hands you one of several garment bags stuffed in her thick arms. You're exhausted from a late night transcribing the spell scroll Yussa gifted you, but you would rather jump headfirst into the Nine Hells than be rude to Jester.

It feels even more proper once the outfit comes out. You stroke a palm down the silky damask lining of the coat and think of the last time you wore clothing this fine, before eleven years of torpor softened the calluses of farmwork on your hands.

Once it's time, you dress and head downstairs.

Jester is already there. She's leaning over the bar, chatting with the bartender there who seems to be enjoying the diversion from the glasses he is in the middle of wiping clean with a cloth.

And she's. Ah.

You're glad that you did not catch sight of her from the stairwell. The resulting tumble down would've been mortifying.

Fortunately, she senses your presence before you can stare at her longer than a handful of seconds. Her smile immediately upgrades to a delighted beam as she waves at you to come over.

Obediently, you do.

Jester Lavorre's attention, when it's gained, is one of single-minded intensity. She watches you as you approach with a growing satisfied glee, hands now clasped together in front of her chest, and it is as if the bartender on the other side of the counter does not exist and in fact never did.

The tips of your ears are as hot as smelting iron. Desperate to seem normal, you fix your gaze on Jester's nose and open your mouth for something, anything—"You have done well. I will fit in."

Every internal organ of yours winces. The ghosts of young Astrid and Eadwulf laugh.

When you glance back up from anxiously fidgeting with your coat, though, her smile has done neither—wince or laugh. She pats the front of your coat to smooth the lapels of the fresh wrinkles there, and the gentle pressure of it burns. "You'll look really nice, Caleb."

 _So do you._ "Thank you—both of you."

The gracious, happy pride that lights up Jester's face is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> it felt real good to crack out the second person again. it's a very neat and underutilized pov.
> 
> love you guys. <3
> 
> find me at [@primrose-path-of-dalliance](https://primrose-path-of-dalliance.tumblr.com) on tumblr, where i post fandom things and the occasional bit of writing.


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